Staying Connected, Finding Meaning: Continued Bonds and the Sixth Stage of Grief
Culturally, we shy away from talking about grief, death, and loss, because it feels uncomfortable and awkward. But it’s important to have others bear witness to your grief as part of the process.
Stripe game strong.
Things we will not say at Common Thread Counseling Chicago when we are assisting you in working with grief and loss:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They’re in a better place.”
“Time heals all.”
“Stay strong.”
“At least…”
Why? Because that feels dismissive. Grief and loss can feel consuming. Feeling misunderstood can lead to more complicated feelings, anger, and isolation, prolonging the dysfunction that can accompany grief.
Culturally, we shy away from talking about grief, death, and loss, because it feels uncomfortable and awkward. But it’s important to have others bear witness to your grief as part of the process.
Popular understanding of grief can typically center on the idea of "letting go." Healing means closure. Many people use the phrase ‘moving on’ after grief, which, to many, feels like forgetting. Two influential frameworks in modern grief work offer an alternative: continued bonds theory and David Kessler's concept of meaning-making as a sixth stage of grief. Their work supports the idea that grief, although painful, can be transformative, can assist us with living a meaningful life, and empowers us to determine the direction our relationship goes, including how this grief shows up at different stages of our own lives.
Continued Bonds: Keeping the Relationship Alive
The continued bonds model emerged in the 1990s through the work of researchers Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, who challenged the long-standing assumption that grieving "correctly" required detaching from the deceased. Their research suggested the opposite: most people naturally maintain an ongoing, evolving relationship with those they've lost, and doing so is a normal, often healthy part of adapting to loss rather than evidence of being stuck.
A continued bond can show up in different ways: talking to a loved one out loud or internally, keeping meaningful objects close, visiting a grave or a place that held significance, marking anniversaries with small rituals, sensing a parent's voice offering guidance during a hard decision, or simply carrying forward someone's values, sayings, or habits as part of daily life.
The key distinction is that a continued bond assimilates the loss while continuing meaning-making and relationship-building in daily life. A bond becomes complicated when it prevents someone from re-engaging with the world, or when it's rooted in unresolved guilt or complicated grief. Individual therapy can help you delineate between the two and provide support for you to grieve in a healthy way.
Meaning-Making: Kessler's Sixth Stage
David Kessler, who worked alongside Elisabeth Kübler-Ross on the well-known five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), later proposed adding a sixth: meaning. His argument, developed most fully after the death of his own son, is that acceptance alone doesn't complete the grieving process for most people. What tends to bring a deeper, more sustainable kind of peace is finding some form of meaning in the aftermath of loss.
Meaning-making isn't toxic positivity. It’s not about deciding the loss itself was good, deserved, or "meant to happen."
Meaning tends to be something a person actively builds afterward: a shift in values, a renewed sense of purpose, a way of aligning your own actions in a way that honors the person lost.
A continued bond gives someone an ongoing relationship to draw meaning from. And meaning-making often gives shape and direction to what a continued bond becomes over time.
Consider a few ways this plays out:
A relationship becomes a source of ongoing guidance. Asking "what advice would my mom have given me in this situation?" isn't just maintaining an emotional tie - they're often actively drawing meaning and direction from that relationship, letting it continue to shape their choices and values.
Rituals become a way to provide connection, have others bear witness to your grief, and acknowledge the loss. Lighting a candle while listening to their favorite song, watching their favorite movie, a yearly gathering with friends - these practices maintain a bond while also generating meaning.
Legacy work bridges both frameworks. Writing letters to the deceased, creating a scrapbook, or continuing a loved one's project are acts that simultaneously preserve connection and construct meaning out of loss.
Identity shifts get anchored by both. Grief often shapes our understanding of ourselves. Meaning-making and continued bonds assist with a deeper understanding.
What This Looks Like in Therapy
At Common Thread Counseling Chicago, we often work with both frameworks. Rather than encouraging you to "let go," we will help you explore what kind of ongoing connection to the deceased feels sustaining rather than avoidant. We can help you establish rituals and seek out support systems. You can spend time talking through different memories and storytelling. We will celebrate when you’re able to give yourself permission to enjoy things you used to enjoy with them.
We will give you space to be messy and talk about difficult feelings without judgment or trying to speed up the process. We can sit with you as you talk about the potential mix of devastation, guilt, jealousy, relief, resentment, or confusion.
Some issues that grief and loss therapy can help you with:
Death of a family member
Divorce or breakup
Pregnancy loss
Death of a pet
Loss of a relationship
Individual Therapy for Grief and Loss
If you’ve experienced a loss, it can be hard to ask for help. It can be scary to connect with painful parts and verbalize complicated feelings.
In-Person Therapy or Virtual Therapy from My Couch?
If you’re hoping to start therapy, you might be considering the advantages of in-person therapy or virtual therapy. Providers actually began providing mental health therapy virtually (via the old fashioned internet, referred to as ‘the telephone’) in the 1960’s. Various messaging or communication systems have been developed to support traditional therapy sessions since then. Since the Covid-19 pandemic, which sometimes feels like it was either last year or 20 years ago, reforms were made to telehealth regulations that made it possible for practitioners to see clients and patients virtually more easily, and for insurance to reimburse similarly to in-person sessions.
Research studies have shown similar efficacy in results for people who participated in in-person and virtual therapy. So… what works?
Therapy at home in pajamas or in-person at the office? Note: You can wear comfy clothes in-person, too.
If you’re hoping to start therapy, you might be considering the advantages of in-person therapy or virtual therapy. Providers actually began providing mental health therapy virtually (via the old fashioned internet, referred to as ‘the telephone’) in the 1960’s. Various messaging or communication systems have been developed to support traditional therapy sessions since then. Since the Covid-19 pandemic, which sometimes feels like it was either last year or 20 years ago, reforms were made to telehealth regulations that made it possible for practitioners to see clients and patients virtually more easily, and for insurance to reimburse similarly to in-person sessions.
Research studies have shown similar efficacy in results for people who participated in in-person and virtual therapy. So… what works?
Virtual therapy can be accessible, convenient, and reduce barriers of time commitments, commuting, and having to change out of sweatpants. It can be easy to take a virtual session in a private office or at home.
Drawbacks may include privacy, technical issues, and ability to focus. Some people have a hard time focusing on a conversation when their cat’s tail is twitching in their face (although I will put seeing pets in the ‘pros’ column myself) or when they’re staring at that pile of laundry that needs to be folded. Thinking about virtual sessions might include being honest with yourself; will you be distracted by other tabs? Looking at incoming emails? You might want to end whatever you’re working on a few minutes before your session so you can close all of the tabs, send out that last email, and find a quiet space. You could also see if your therapist would be alright if you fold laundry while chatting, which can actually be helpful for some folks who don’t love staring at someone on a screen without a break.
In-person sessions can be helpful to get out of your space and into a change of scenery. Therapy offices are (hopefully) uncluttered, calming, and free from distractions. Having therapy in the same room can cue your body and brain to shift into therapy mode. Sometimes, it’s a challenge to make space in your day for therapy, so you could also build in time for a little treat after, like a coffee or a walk (may I suggest the beautiful river path right by our Avondale office?). Some people find it helpful to think through what they’d like to bring up on the way to therapy, and have the commute home to process what was discussed.
Drawbacks for in-person sessions are typically related to time constraints and planning, as well as differences in terms of flexibility in work, school, or parenting schedules (note: you can absolutely bring your baby to a session). Transportation may also be limited, and may determine choosing a therapist with an office by a train stop, bus line, or with available parking.
You could also try out both options and see which works best for you. Many practices will offer hybrid scheduling, and most clinicians are flexible with switching between virtual or in-person sessions. If you’re feeling anxious about beating traffic to get to a session in time, maybe it’s a virtual day for you. Our Chicago offices in Logan Square and Avondale strive to be accessible and welcoming. The key is figuring out where you feel most comfortable, can consistently show up, and feel like you are getting the most out of your counseling sessions.
Understanding the Interplay of Brain Networks in ADHD
When we talk about ADHD, we often reference executive functions and the prefrontal cortex (PFC). But research into the brain structures involved in the Default Mode Network (DMN), Task-Positive Network (TPN), and Salience Network (SN) has changed our understanding of the brain and its interplay in those with ADHD, and how therapy can help with clients seeking support.
When we talk about ADHD, we often reference executive functions and the prefrontal cortex (PFC). But research into the brain structures involved in the Default Mode Network (DMN), Task-Positive Network (TPN), and Salience Network (SN) has changed our understanding of the brain and its interplay in those with ADHD.
The Default Mode Network is active when our attention is directed inward. It supports activities such as daydreaming, self-reflection, imagining the future, recalling memories, and thinking about ourselves and others. The DMN is essential for creativity, problem-solving, and making meaning of our experiences.
The Task-Positive Network becomes active when we focus on an external task. It helps us pay attention, solve problems, learn new information, and stay engaged with our environment. When the TPN is active, the brain is better able to filter distractions and maintain goal-directed behavior.
The Salience Network is a set of brain regions that work together, analyzing internal and external input, to determine where focus should be directed. It is responsible for turning on the TPN or DMN.
When a task needs focused attention, the TPN should become more active and the DMN decreases activity. When the task is complete, the DMN can re-engage, allowing for reflection and creativity.
Brain scans have shown that people with ADHD can have weakened activity between these three networks, making the transition between networks less efficient. The DMN may remain active when attention is needed elsewhere, making it harder to stay focused on tasks. This can feel like a constant stream of thoughts, ideas, or daydreams competing for attention. At the same time, activating the TPN - especially for tasks that are repetitive, boring, or lack immediate rewards - may require more effort.
Understanding the DMN, TPN, and SN help us move beyond the idea that attention is simply a matter of trying harder or discipline. Instead, it highlights how different brain networks influence focus, motivation, and engagement, and how brain differences could make this more challenging for individuals with ADHD. By working with the brain's natural systems, individuals with ADHD can build strategies that support attention while also appreciating the creativity and insight that often emerge from an active DMN. Outside of medical interventions for ADHD, therapy can be useful for assisting individuals with ADHD in developing priming skills to learn how to better activate the TPN and decrease the DMN.
There’s Power in Community
Helplessness often stems from feeling disconnected from agency. But when we come together - not just to organize, but to care for each other - we create ripples that challenge the systems making us feel small. Community isn’t just about action; it’s about remembering that we matter to each other.
Beware: The Women have united.
Finding Connection When the World Feels Overwhelming
Scrolling through headlines lately, it’s easy to feel helpless. The weight of the world doesn’t just live in the news; it seeps into our nervous systems, our relationships, and our vision of the future. But one of the most powerful ways to counter that feeling of helplessness is to reconnect - with others, with purpose, with community.
You’re Not Alone (Even When It Feels Like It)
When we’re overwhelmed, isolation often follows. It’s tempting to withdraw, doom-scroll, or wait for the next piece of bad news to drop. But community doesn’t disappear just because we’re struggling - it waits patiently for us to return. Sometimes all it takes is a text to a friend, joining a local event, or a walk in the neighborhood to start to remember we’re not in this alone.
Small Actions, Big Impact
Sometimes connection starts with something small: volunteering with a group that resonates with you, checking in on a neighbor, or showing up to support others. These small acts of solidarity remind us of our power and shift us from despair into action.
Boundaries Are Part of Activism, Too
Caring about the world doesn’t mean burning yourself out. It’s okay to take breaks, set limits on your media consumption, and soothe your nervous system. Community thrives when we’re well enough to show up - and taking care of ourselves allows us to do that.
Find- or Build - Your People
Whether it’s a local group, an online space, or a couple close friends, community can look a lot of different ways. If you haven’t found your people yet, consider creating the space you need. Host a gathering, start a group chat, or attend events that align with your interests. Connection doesn’t have to be perfect.
There’s Power in Collective Care
Helplessness often stems from feeling disconnected from agency. But when we come together - not just to organize, but to care for each other - we create ripples that challenge the systems making us feel small. Community isn’t just about action; it’s about remembering that we matter to each other.
As a Therapist, You Know I Have to Validate Feelings in Closing
You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed. You’re allowed to feel grief and anger and fear. And you’re also allowed to seek joy, solidarity, and hope. The world might not change overnight - but we can still show up for each other in the meantime. That’s what community is for.
Goodness of Fit
"Therapist goodness of fit" refers to how well a therapist's style, approach, and personality align with the client's needs, preferences, and therapeutic goals. It emphasizes the importance of the therapeutic relationship and how the therapist’s ability to connect, understand, and respond to the client plays a crucial role in the effectiveness of therapy. A good fit between therapist and client can contribute to trust, comfort, and positive outcomes in treatment.
“It’s the relationship that heals.” - Irvin Yalom
"Therapist goodness of fit" refers to how well a therapist's style, approach, and personality align with the client's needs, preferences, and therapeutic goals. It emphasizes the importance of the therapeutic relationship and how the therapist’s ability to connect, understand, and respond to the client plays a crucial role in the effectiveness of therapy. A good fit between therapist and client can contribute to trust, comfort, and positive outcomes in treatment.
This concept can include various factors, such as:
Therapeutic approach: Some clients may respond better to certain therapeutic modalities depending on their personality and issues. Some people know a specific style they’re seeking out, while some may be open to testing out different modalities to see what works for them. Here is a (not brief at all) guide.
Personality and rapport: Although it is reasonable to dread some parts of therapy because it can bring up really strong feelings, you shouldn’t dread seeing your therapist! Find someone who has a personality that fits your needs and builds rapport.
Communication style: Do you want to work with someone who is very direct and uses a more structured approach? Do you feel more connected when people use humor, or might spend a few minutes discussing the latest episode of Love is Blind? We usually can’t pick the communication style of people we collaborate with; in therapy, you can!
Cultural responsiveness: A therapist’s ability to respect and integrate a client’s cultural background into the therapeutic process is crucial. A good fit might include a therapist who demonstrates cultural humility, intersectionality, and a dedication to continued education on cultural competence.
Basics: Does your availability match for continued sessions? Do you want flexibility for virtual or in-person? Do you feel comfortable in the office and is it accessible for you?
Why Does It Matter?
A strong fit helps you build trust and comfort so you can feel understood and supported. If you feel comfortable opening up to your therapist, you’re more likely to share honestly, which can lead to deeper insights and progress.
How Do You Know If It’s a Good Fit?
You don’t have to stick with a therapist who doesn’t feel like a good match. Some signs that you might not have a good fit include feeling misunderstood or disengaged in sessions. When you’ve found a good fit, you might notice that you’re more open, motivated, and committed to the process. Even if it feels uncomfortable at times, you feel supported in this process by your therapist.
Remember, therapy is an investment in your well-being, and it’s worth taking the time to find someone who truly feels right for you. If the first therapist you meet doesn’t click, don’t be discouraged—there are many wonderful professionals out there who may be a better fit.